Alright, let's get this straight. Another day, another "glitch" in the stock market. This time, it's a "cooling issue" at some CyrusOne data center that brought the whole damn thing crashing down on a Friday after Thanksgiving. Trading halted across futures and options markets for equities, bonds, and commodities. Give me a break.

Markets Reopen: Back to the Casino, I Guess?

The Inevitable "Reopening" Of course, they reopened the markets. They always do. Because God forbid we let the system breathe for, like, five minutes. Dow futures were up, S&P 500 futures were up, Nasdaq futures were up... yawn. It's all just numbers on a screen anyway, right? What's the point of pretending this isn't all just one big casino designed to separate you from your hard-earned cash? And then there's the retail sentiment on Stocktwits. "Bullish" this, "extremely bullish" that. For LABU? Really? People are still throwing money at that dumpster fire? Pasithea? Up 1,385% in message volume? Seriously? I guess there's a sucker born every minute, as they say. Makes you wonder who's pumping these stocks and dumping them on the unsuspecting masses.

Iran, Tesla, Nvidia: A Clusterf*ck of Delusion

Geopolitics and Gambles Oh, and let's not forget about Iran. Remember when they supposedly launched a missile strike at U.S. military bases, but Qatar "intercepted" them with "no casualties"? Right. And I'm the Queen of England. Oil prices tumbled, Trump told everyone to "keep oil prices down" – as if he has some magic wand – and Bitcoin took a nosedive. Because, offcourse, when the world's about to end, people are gonna be thinking about their crypto portfolios. Defense stocks rose in premarket trade, naturally. War is good for business, ain't it? Blood and oil, baby. That's the American way. According to Dow rises more than 350 points Monday as oil slides on Iran’s restrained retaliation to U.S. attacks: Live updates - CNBC, oil prices slid after Iran's retaliation. Tesla's offering free Full Self-Driving rides in Europe? Who cares? It's still beta software, and I wouldn't trust it to drive me to the corner store, let alone across the continent. Melius Research says Tesla's FSD has logged over 6.5 million miles. So what? My grandma could log 6.5 million miles if she lived long enough and stuck to the speed limit. Doesn't mean she's ready for the Indy 500. And Nvidia's market cap? Topped $5 trillion, now it's retreating because of "rising AI skepticism." Skepticism? More like reality finally setting in. We’re supposed to believe that AI is going to solve all our problems, but meanwhile, it can't even write a decent haiku. What happens when the AI winter comes? Wait, I'm getting off track here...

S&P Down? Who Cares, the Whole Thing's Rigged

The Bigger Picture... Or Lack Thereof The S&P 500 was the only major index to suffer losses last week, falling 0.15%. Whoop-de-doo. Is anyone actually making money here, or are we all just chasing shadows? I'm starting to think the whole damn system is rigged. The Global X Uranium ETF has risen for 11 straight weeks. Uranium? Are we seriously betting on nuclear apocalypse now? Maybe I should buy some shares. Hedge my bets, you know? If the world's going to end, might as well profit from it. But seriously, what does it all mean? Are these glitches, these market fluctuations, these geopolitical tensions just noise? Or are they signs of something bigger, something darker brewing beneath the surface? I honestly don't know anymore. Maybe I'm just getting old and cynical. Or maybe... maybe I'm finally starting to see the truth. Is This Thing Even Real Anymore?